Trial & Death

A hint of remembering is the greatest tease.

Ground rules for being friends with my ex:
1.  He does not care about me.

2.  We are only friends to talk about stupid or intellectual things and have fun.  But he is a man, so he will try to get into my pants.

3.  I will try my best to not care about him, at least romantically.

4.  The past 3 years did not happen.

5.  I should expect to go weeks and weeks without talking to him.  If he wants to hang out with me it’s only because he’s bored and wants someone to kill time with.  Or he wants to get into my pants.

6.  I will not talk to him about personal feelings regarding our friendship, or in general regarding him and I.

7.  We should probably not have sex anymore.  The only reason I continue to have sex with him is because I don’t want him to have sex with anyone else.  However, he does want to have sex with other people.  I will not get upset when he tells me about his sexual exploits.  I will only inquire, as friends do, and let it go.

8.  If he obtains a girlfriend, our friendship will weaken significantly or die all together.  I should be prepared for this.

9.  Friendships between men and women often do not work.  I should not expect too much from this or from him.

10.  I will not judge him or criticize him morally, intellectually, or otherwise, unless he calls for it.  Criticism only causes problems in friendships.

11.  I should try my absolute best not to think about him all the time.  People in friendships only think of themselves, not of their friend.  He will only think of himself.  I should try my best to not care whether he ever thinks of me.

If I am not prepared for this, if I am going to get hurt, if I am going to break these rules, then I should not be friends with him anymore.

Now, here’s the question:  Is she interesting enough for you?  The ghosts have all answered with a resounding NO.

Let it go, baby, let it go.

I tell you that I still love you.  You don’t say anything, and you look away.

“I am setting your heart on fire so that when you leave me I will burn on in your soul.
We get no second chance in this life.”

I’m having a really hard time concentrating on anything other than lovesickness.  It’s incredibly frustrating.  I need restraint.

I might as well tattoo APPRECIATE ME! on my forehead.

Scarecrow

“We are alone until the times change. (and those who have been betrayed come back like pilgrims to this moment when we did not yield).”
—Leonard Cohen.

I’ve been waiting for the pilgrims to come back for years.  They never do.

I get to watch this unfold on THE social network.  Front row seat.  My lover, ex boyfriend, once in a lifetime compatibility match is going to “meet up with” the girl of his high school fantasies in a matter of weeks.  Simple.  She friends him, he accepts, she messages him, he inquires, they make plans to meet.  A three year relationship flushed over a period of 40 minutes.  And I get to watch it all unfold.  He never had a Facebook when we were together.  He had a vivid dream about her and broke up with me last May.  We got back together, but I started drinking.  We broke up because I lied to him about drinking.  And now, here she is.  Out of the blue.  Perfect timing.  I was going to tell him I still loved him on Sunday.  He blew off plans.  Tequila sounds good.

2 Sam. 12:1–16

The Lord sent Nathan to David.

He said, “There were two men in one city, one rich and one poor.

“The rich man had exceedingly many sheep and cattle; the weak had nothing but one little lamb, which he had bought and sustained.  She grew with him and with his children:  ate from his bread, drank from his cup, lay in his lap, and was like a daughter to him.

“A traveler came to the rich man.  He had too much ‘compassion’ to take from his own sheep and cattle to prepare for the guest who came to him.  But he took the poor man’s lamb and prepared her for the man who came to him.”

David was greatly incensed at the man.

He said to Nathan, “By the life of YHWH, the man who did this should die.  And he will pay fourfold for the lamb because he did this thing and because he did not have compassion.”

Nathan said to David, “You are the man.”

So many times

I want to kiss you, but I hold myself back.

Anachronistic (from the Greek αναχρονισμος)

— n 1. the representation of an event, person, or thing in a historical context in which it could not have occurred or existed 2. a person or thing that belongs or seems to belong to another time: she regards the Church as an anachronism

When I knew you.

Randomness is not equivalent to freedom.  Think of electrons.